Text Berit Anna Rojer
Image Sadu Saks
You are stuck floating by. The days come, the days go. Suddenly, a person, whose presence feels familiar, comes by. You get introduced to your roommate’s friend, hit it off with a coworker, get in touch with a long-lost connection, or a forgotten acquaintance pops up on your Bumble. They show up at the perfect time, and share mutuals, evoking a sense of safety and trust. You gravitate towards them. And so it starts: the dreaded situationship.
As you hit swipe you are sucked in, unable to resist its force of magnetization. It’s all fun and exciting in the beginning. You send a playful text and get an instant reply, hours later you look up from your phone and see it’s 5 AM. You realize you’ve been talking to them for days on end, getting to know every detail of their life. Every night you lay in bed, struggling to put the phone back down. Amazingly, you’ve shared your deepest thoughts, your biggest inspirations and your craziest dreams. You start to feel so close to the person you imagine is behind the screen. Two days later you finally physically meet. They are even more handsome than you could imagine. All your worries glide off your body as you realize the person you have been texting is real. Your time together is out of this world; your coffee date turns into 24 hours of walking around the city, cooking a nice dinner, and cuddling up in bed. Again you find yourself laying in bed, talking until morning, different from anything you’ve ever experienced before. How is it possible you’ve met someone with whom you share such a genuine connection? With whom you feel so safe...
Yet, a sense of uncertainty constantly lingers. You know it’s too good to be true, yet you never question it. It goes on like this for a few weeks, becoming more intense every time you meet. You continuously text, both move plans so you can see each other sooner and dread saying goodbye. Still, you share a kiss and go back to your normal steady life, longing for the thrill you feel with them. One night, before your next date, you get a sudden text: ‘Hey we need to talk’. You panic but try to stay calm, after all, you guys are on a trajectory of becoming something serious. You’ve never talked about it, but you both knew there was something. Part of you has always been a bit confused, but you are scared to ask for clarity as that may lead to reality.
You pick up the phone and ask ‘whatsupp’. ‘I am not in the right headspace right now for a relationship’. ‘I am not looking for anything serious’. And my personal favourite: ‘I’m not over my ex’. You’re shocked, struggling to speak, ‘you didn't see this coming’. You’re perplexed, trying to gather your thoughts. You force yourself to hold back your tears. Anxiety runs through your body as your worst thoughts of insecurity prove to be true. Was it not nice? Did they not share the same feeling as you? Was any of it ever real?
Months later you find yourself questioning how you’ve ended up here, in emotional turmoil. You still long for the other person, unable to comprehend what has happened, incapable of understanding why it had to end.
I’ve found myself here many times. Despite my best efforts to avoid a situationship, I always find myself back in one. Something about them always pulls me back in. The gravitational force of a situationship is so impeccable: one cannot deny the attraction to this hookup with emotional benefits. Nothing can escape this prolonged talking stage, like a black hole it swallows up every living being in its vicinity. Yet, this casual affair stays hollow, leaving a void no one can fill. They leave you spiralling into a dark deep emotional hole that takes months to crawl out of and years to close. And that all from a one-month, undefined relationship shared with a person that was never really right for you.
So what even is a situationship?
Ocean (20): “A situationship to me is like a relationship but without emotional security.’’ “So you are constantly on the edge because you might never know what might happen next and you can never fully relax and let yourself fall into the relationship. There are no clear boundaries because it is kind of not allowed to speak about any feelings as that is already considered too much to ask for’’
Alex (20) “It’s a relationship in which one likes the other person more’’
Sam (19) “A sexual and romantic relationship where the commitment level is unclear, with or without agreement’’
Melmon (20) “When two people meet and one of them likes the other much less, but pursue a relationship regardless because it benefits them. For example person A doesn’t like person B enough to have a relationship despite person B really liking person A, but it doesn’t end because person A doesn’t want the validation they get from person B to end.’’
Gloria (21) “If a relationship is a dance between two souls, a situationship is the moment one asks for the others hand in the dance.’’
I would argue that situationship remains a synonym for ‘I am not looking for anything serious’. It’s sugar-coating for ‘I want the perks and comfort of a relationship but none of the effort they require’. The words “let's just see where this goes’’, marks the situationship's ambiguous kickoff, hiding that one party is aware of its bitter end. Sticking the label ‘situationship’ onto this undefined relationship masks the imbalance of feelings and conflicting intentions between the parties involved. Despite presenting itself as unconditional, casual and clear-cut, people never leave a situationship without feeling anything. In this hookup with emotional benefits, the person who likes the other less drives the other’s hopes up and instantaneously shatters those fantasies with an equivocal conversation. Yet, due to the undefined boundaries of their casual affair, they are left with no blame because there was never a clear commitment. Thereby, the term ‘situationship’ fails to hold the person responsible for inflicting pain on the other.
Part of the experience is the delusion. See, in a situationship, you never manage to see each other for who you truly are. Instead, you favour the idea of each other: a glamorized, polished version of the other person, the potential of who they could be, not who they are. This makes you glance over every red flag in the relationship. You both hold each other on a pedestal. You try to live up to the expectations you have for each other, even though you know you’ll inevitably disappoint each other as the relationship carries on. When it ends, you are blindsided by reality, forced to see that they were just an ordinary person, a fellow human being, capable of hurting you. Both parties are consumed in delusion, wrapped up in future hopes and caught off guard by reality.
The freedom a situationship grants may be beneficial as it relieves traditional pressures of committed relationships, but it also hides pain and averts responsibility. Why do you only find out after weeks of seeing each other that you are not in the right headspace for a relationship? Why do you only realize now that you are not over your ex? Why do you only communicate now that you are not looking for anything serious? Why did you have to waste my time to figure out what you desire?
And after all that, I dug myself into another situationship, one that will take me a while to recover from. I mourn the idea of them, the idea of us. The version of myself I wished I was with them. I stay in a state of purgatory, questioning how I ended up here again. The situationship was hollow, yet again left a void in me. Its boundaries remained undefined, leaving the ending vague. Closure is not in my periphery, as neither I nor them can take responsibility for our part in this messed up play. Liminally, I float in space, waiting to be sucked in. I’d do anything to feel that thrill again.
So... Buckle up and get ready for another situationship.
*fake names used for privacy reasons
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