Being an atheist at church
One of my friends told me about her friend, Embla, who started going to church out of the blue. I am an atheist and was thus very intrigued about her reasoning for visiting a church. When I asked my friend why she started going to mass, my friend explained that Embla just wanted to UNDERSTAND.
Understanding a world you’re not fully a part of. As an Anthropology student this made total sense to me, and I wanted to know more.
On a Sunday morning in late October at 9:30, I decided to join a Mass at the Vondelkerk. I did this before having a conversation with Embla.
Again, I am an atheist born and raised so I have little to no experience with religion or churches in my 22 years of life. I entered the building (late, might I add) and was greeted by a person with a big smile. I kept on going in and grabbed a pamphlet that was laying on a table saying: “Welkom”.
When I flipped it open it said: “In a city set on finding liberty, we believe that true liberty comes in obedience to Jesus Christ. This is life, life to the full.” As a starting-out-anthropologist, my goal was to stay neutral and to understand this culture from within the group. As my lecturer (...) said,: “Give yourself over.” I wanted to put my pre-constructed opinions and understandings of religion and Christianity away for the morning and truly watch and participate. And this I did.
It felt very odd at first, as I am very distant from this world. The only reason I have been to churches in the past is for the historical artwork within. I usually would ignore the inner- happenings. Now I wanted to immerse myself in the singing, teachings and collectiveness of this institution.
I immediately understood what feeling this church gives the people. As I was singing biblical songs with the group, individuals became a collective. It gave me a strange comfort. I felt like a traitor within this group. I felt like a traitor for my atheist belief. The intense emotions people felt in this room while praising God took me by surprise. I could realize this through their facial expressions and body movements.
Some of the church-goers looked like they were in pain, while some of them looked intensely happy. Some raised their hands in an ecstatic way. It was an intense experience to watch as someone not attached to the belief.
As I was sitting with my roommate later that night listening to music when it hit me: My roommate started making similar movements like I saw in church. Her expressions looked similar and she was raising her hands. She was in the moment, connected with the music and with me cohesively. We were experiencing something as a holistic togetherness- yet individually having a different connection to this effervescence.
After this experience I decided to sit down with Embla and talk to her about her experiences in church.
I found out that she too had a similar understanding. The feeling of acceptance that she receives in the church helps her as a reassurance in life and for her Self. Having a relationship with her religion from her past gave her a newfound comfort in her identity and an answer to her search for purpose in life. Because the community was the main thing that struck me as an “outsider”, I asked Embla if she felt like that the experience in church was more of an individual experience or communal feeling, and Embla replied: “it`s kinda both - I feel like it kinda works together because you go there and you feel the community and you feel better about it, so you go there to build your own religion but still, it works that way because we are there as a group”
Based on my interview I hypothesize that what Embla is experiencing is this collective effervescence within this church. Not only is the church supposedly open to any religion but also to everyone. For anyone, it’s easy to be cornered by the question of belonging and to have an endless search for purpose in our world. Additionally, for Embla this connects to a prior link to religion in her past as a young person. This shows that religion truly has an individual string to every single person. The connection you feel as a religious person has the base within this community, as a collective. The personal connection is very flexible within your own personal limits.
I would like to underline that this text is in no way a love letter for Christianity; but rather a small observation of a community and religion. I still am an atheist and will remain as one, Nevertheless I find religion and the workings of it very interesting. It was a fun experiment on ethnographic research.
Image: Helena Peters
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